HOTRODS & CLASSICS

HOTRODDERS TOOLS

  HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of 
  divining rod to locate really expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

  MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons 
  delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and  jackets

  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die
  of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line
  that goes to the rear wheel.

  PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

  HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
  human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
  course, the more dismal your future becomes.

  VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is  available, they can also be used
  to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

  OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
  garage on fire.   Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the
  bearing race out of.

  WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they
  are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or  1/2  socket you've been searching for the
  last 15 minutes.

  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching  flat metal  bar stock out
  of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering 
  it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them  somewhere under the workbench
  with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about
  the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed
  your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

  EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic
  jack.

  TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.

  PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another  hydraulic floor jack.

  SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
  used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

  E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
  harder than any known drill bit.

  TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

  TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of
  ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

  CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably
  has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

  BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery
  to the inside of your toolbox after  determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,  just as you
  suspected.

  AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

  TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop light,  it is a good
  source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under a car or  motorcycle
  at night.  Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
  rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
  Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

  PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
  splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

  AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 
  miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
  wrench  that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
  them off.

  PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
  in order to replace a 50 cent part.

  HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.